‘Why Should I Tone Down?’: Gwen’s Powerful Response to Victim Blaming

Gwendolyn has faced being blamed by her friends and family after multiple crimes. A 47-year-old transgender female, DJ by profession and previously a kindergarten teacher, Gwendolyn is currently unable to teach due to complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Her story reveals the severe impact victim blaming can have on a person’s life.

Gwendolyn recounts a traumatic incident from her first night DJing in clubs, where she was sexually assaulted after having her drink spiked. Despite wearing a conservative outfit, she faced blame from friends and family. “People said, ‘Well, we know the types of clothing you wear... you’ve got to expect that this is going to happen if you're dressed like a slut,’” she shares. This reaction reflects a common misconception that a victim's appearance or behaviour justifies their assault.

"Why am I going to tone down myself and become a faded image of myself just to be safe when I should be able to be safe?"

Gwendolyn also describes the isolation and emotional turmoil that follows victim blaming. “It makes me feel belittled. It makes me feel helpless and hopeless,” she says, noting the additional strain of facing such attitudes from friends and family. This isolation is exacerbated by societal attitudes towards transgender individuals, particularly those who do not conform to traditional gender norms.

Gwendolyn recounts a recent conversation with a long-time friend who suggested she should "tone down" her appearance to avoid being targeted: “That's just you putting yourself in place to expect to be raped or assaulted or seen as different so that people can crucify or persecute you.” She responded, "Why am I going to tone down myself and become a faded image of myself just to be safe when I should be able to be safe?"

Gwendolyn's experiences have had profound impacts on her mental health, relationships, and daily functioning. “Emotionally, it's exhausting... It's triggering, especially when people start asking the hard questions,” she explains. The constant need to defend her identity and experiences has led to significant stress and hypervigilance, affecting her ability to trust others. “I'm very, very aware that my trust with everyone else is very guarded,” she says, a sentiment that illustrates the long-term effects of victim blaming on personal relationships.

Professionally, Gwendolyn's C-PTSD has prevented her from continuing her career in early childhood education, despite her qualifications. Financially and socially, she faces ongoing challenges, compounded by the prejudices she encounters as a transgender woman. The lack of support and understanding from societal institutions only intensifies her struggle. “... If the people who I consider my friends are coming to me and saying this stuff, what's the rest of society thinking?”

Gwendolyn's resilience in the face of such adversity is remarkable. She continues to DJ, creating safe spaces for the LGBTQIA+ community, despite the personal toll. She emphasises the importance of everyone having conversations around victim blaming, stating, “I would like them to start having conversations with other people that they hear this rhetoric with.”

“If you had someone assault the hell out of you, wouldn't you hope that people would just be, 'That's not okay and you didn't do anything wrong?”

To any other victims of crime, Gwendolyn says: “You are strong, you are beautiful, you are valid, you are seen. Keep stepping.”

Find out more about victim blaming: www.victimsupport.org.nz/victim-blaming

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